Jenifer: If Taylor Swift and Sloth Had a Baby

The offspring's not as cute as you'd hope.

So I'm watching Jenifer, and I just have to talk about it. I like Masters of Horror a lot. Take a good horror director, give them an hour or so to do what they may. Step back and watch the limbs fly.

First off, there's a cool moral to it. Y'know, the perfect woman (blonde, hot and a mute) turns out to be not so perfect. Second of all, it's fucking hilarious. The fact that in this world, apparently all women are blonde and all teenagers listen to death metal is inconsequential.

Now let's talk about Jenifer for a sec. In addition to an apparent unquenchable thirst for raw meat, she's got, in the words of Frank's son, 'a killer rack,' one that she shows the world without impunity. However, she's decided to attach herself to one Frank, an apparently rookie cop, despite his advanced years, given her would-be murderer's murder is the first time he's put lead to flesh. But no matter. Turns out, wifey (who some may recognize as Brenda Gutierrez from the great Slither) disapproves of the body-off-baywatch-face-off-crimewatch sleeping on her couch, a feeling apparently mutual, given the odd lesbian-kiss-turn-face-eating incident that ends surprisingly blandly. Now, wifey and son fly the coop, and Frank is left with his crazy-with-a-body. They have sex. A lot. Somehow a guy ends up in the fridge, and for some reason the happy couple end up living in a cabin in the woods. The series of events is not important. Or explained. What you need to know is this:

Dario Argento believes the following are always true:

1) Always judge a book by its cover. If it's snarling like a beast and crazy eyed like a beast, it's probably Jenifer, and she's probably just eaten your cat.
2) Parents never notice when their children go missing, and the authorities never notice peoples' mangled corpses getting buried in the suburbs. Ever.
3) Men, apparently, can go from zero to crazy in about three days.

Thank you, Dario Argento, for showing me the light.

Also, props to the unintentional Rain Man impression by Frank's partner (if Rain Man was played by Joe Pesci) who literally shows up in two scenes before totally disappearing. Apparently, when your partner goes missing after shacking up with a near-murder victim, it's really not worth looking into, particularly if you're a cop.



Until I have enough cash to see a show,
Stay dee-lish.
--WF
Gross, hilarious, ridiculous.

[PS This whole thing is really in honor of The Horror Digest, a blog I have been reading far too much as of late.]

[It's awesome].