I Effing Hate Christmas

It's true. Now, I know a lot of people declare their hatred of Christmas and all things Santa, but in my family it's become a sport: who can have the crappiest Christmas. I'm going to tell you why, and I promise it's interesting.
1) Our commute
It used to be that between Christmas Eve morning and Boxing Day night we'd spend about 20 hours in the car for about 10 hours of family bonding (the remainder being for sleep, of course). Things have since thinned out so that we spend Christmas Eve in Connecticut, come back that night to spend Christmas day here, and then drive down and back to New Jersey on Boxing Day.
That's a shit ton of driving to do with people you don't get along with.

There was the time a few years back when, after sitting behind the wheel of a car for the first time, I bottomed out going over a speed bump, and three days later when we drove down Christmas Eve to CT, our muffler half fell off, and we had to drag it the last four miles to my uncle's house. In case you aren't familiar with what that sounds like, imagine this, but literally forever.

2) The People
My mom's a WASP, and my dad's a Irish/Italian Catholic. Oil and water, dude. There's a lot of undiscussed tension between the more conservative and less conservative factions of each side, and subsequently it becomes a lot of what-can-you-say-without-somebody-yelling-at-you, including the time I may or may not have snapped at my then-70-year-old aunt for calling all Muslims violent because they are violent by nature and Islam is a violent religion*.
It sort of ends up a lot like this, only with more blood and crying. So, I guess like this with different hats.

Also, the men in my family tend to die around major holidays. One grandfather died around the fourth of July, the other died on Christmas eve, my great uncle died just after Thanksgiving, and my uncle died on Father's Day two years ago. So with each major holiday, my family collectively holds its breath to see who'll drop. (I should note one grandfather had cancer, the other was in his nineties, and the great uncle was 95. It is only the one who died on father's day that kind of came out of no where).

3) The music
Christmas music blows. If I have to hear fucking Kenny G playing some saxophone-ridden tripe one more time, I'm going to die. That fucking Waitresses song makes me want to hurt someone. Really the only good one is Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey, and that's more for it's What the Fuck qualities than anything else.

All of this brings me to my point: like everything else about the season, the best Christmas music will make you wholly forget what time of year it is, and where you are.


And so, on that note, here's a little wishin' of happy-let's-not-murder-our-family-the-presents-haven't-come-yet.

Also, here are some really good songs. Some are vaguely Christmas related. All are I'm-cold-and-this-weather-bloody-sucks related.

Sufjan Stevens - Sister Winter
The thing is, I know ole Sufjan has done plenty of Christmas-themed songs, but as I previously elaborated, the last thing I want to think about on Christmas is my family or Jesus.

The Walkmen - No Christmas While I'm Talking
I dare you to walk with this plugged into your wee ears on a bitterly cold day with the faint, dead sun casting your shadow in a waist-high snow bank and not feel like the whole world simultaneously wants you dead and supports you. Just like family.

Bon Iver - Wolves Act I and II (Live at the Parish 3/13/2008)
The name means Good Winter, and given that JV spent the better part of a Wisconsin winter wedged in a cabin pouring his heart out after his life fell apart, the irony (accuracy?) in the name seems pretty fitting for the given theme. Also, if you don't have this on record already, get the fuck out of here.

Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
Like most of my picks, this is totally un-Christmas. In fact, it's kind of screwed up. A troop of people marching through snow, their heads (literally?) only supported by scarves, and one of them dies, leaving the snow bloodied. Again, I think the world has heard this song, but have you ever really listened to it? [/douchebag]

The Needs - Winter Gardens
This band used to be called the Special Needs. This wasn't such a good PR move, so they changed it to the Needs. Then they broke up. A damn shame, considering this little fucker is still catchy, some five years after they wrote it, and some four years after the band's demise.


Until I think of something relevant,
Stay warm,
--WF
New England Winter :(


*My mom also refused to convert for my dad (she comes from a long line of Methodist ministers, so I guess I can see her reluctance) and that comes up a lot, and I feel like this was my aunt's way of not-so-subtly jabbing at anything that isn't Catholicism. But, I mean, come on. The Crusades? The Inquisition? Under the Moors, Spain had the first street lights in Europe, and Britain was still trying to finish genocidin' all the Scots and Irish!