Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Not a girl, not yet a vegan

Fuck it. I was going to wait and post this later, but that's not happening so let's not fool ourselves. Three things:

1) stellastarr* are like lucky charms. When they're great, they're the best things in the world, but when all of the marshmallows are gone, all that's left is a pile of cheerios unsuitable even for rabbits (more on this later). Two examples of the former, happier, marshmallow-ridden days are included, for your auditory pleasure.

First is Jenny, a relatively bland song with two hidden gems that make it glorious. Jenny firstly features an amazing 'woah-oh-o-o-o-oh' thing. It's inexplicably the best noise I've ever heard the backup singer to any band ever make. The other thing is where the song ends, given where it begins. What starts as something most average rock bands can and have created dissolves into this hysterical (in no small part due to lead singer Shawn Christenen's already shrill voice) psychotic rant listing off words in rapid fire succession. When the words finally space enough to be understandable, it's already the end of the song, and the last line leaves a strange burn mark as the guitars come tumbling down: Jenny I bet you'd make your mom so proud / I need my cell!

The other, My CoCo, has much less to it. Whereas with Jenny I picture a disturbed high school-era ex returning from the dead carrying the guitar you pawned at twenty three and brutally murdering the chino-wearing ass you have become by bludgeoning you with said guitar, My CoCo is simply a dance number. It's a confession of love, it's a confession of wanting sex in the simplest way, and it makes your hips move independently of the rest of you. It's alright. The bassline does its job, your ass does its.

2) This makes me so excited I'm not sure how to handle it. I hope Bruce Campbell gets a decent role in it somewhere. Also the pictures confirm my thesis of Sam Raimi being the most adorable (if certainly not most attractive) director of all time.


3) I have a beef with vegans, perhaps pun intended. It's not that I'm against not eating meat. If anything I'm actually for it, if only because meat is easy to do wrong but vegetables aren't, and if meat here is cooked badly it'll end in sitting on a toilet launching a rocket out of your ass for three days but if vegetables are cooked badly it just doesn't taste good. Being vegan in my experience seems like a douchebag's way of acting like your older sibling: suffering so you don't have to suffer, playing the thankless martyr.

'No...it's ok, I'm vegan so I can't have ice cream or cake for dessert. I'll just eat something later it's fine.'

What really gets me is the meat-substitute market. Veggie burgers: socially acceptable. Vegan haggis: literally not possible (except it is?). There's vegan caviar too. These are just stupid. Veggie burgers replace a vital component of the human diet: crap from a grill that tastes like smoke. Vegan haggis replaces a foodstuff with an already Ado Annie-level of unnecessary with essentially solidified vegetable soup (note the ingredients and tell me that's not soup). Stupid stupid stupid.


-WaffleFries
And Burger


stellastarr* - Jenny

stellastarr* - My CoCo

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